Questioning The Universe

10:12:00 PM BB 0 Comments

I've been having a string of very happy days. I went through the hardest summer of my life so far: losing a relationship and losing my favorite uncle.

I am celebrating all my emotional accomplishments. I went from being unhappy all summer being in a bad relationship to being pretty happy single. That is a huge achievement. However, tonight showed me that there is still more work to be done.

Tonight has been tough. I saw my ex. He said hi. He called my name. He briefly spoke to me. I heard his voice. Voices can make me super emotional. When I was an intl student in the US, I tried not to speak to my family on the phone because it made me really home sick. I even stopped listening to my brother's music (he's a rapper) for over a year. I'd only listen to the beats he made. When I want a clean break, I want a clean break. I need it. For now, that means don't say hi to me, don't talk to me, don't approach me.

This makes me smile. I always knew I would thrive without him, I just didn't want to imagine doing it.

Seeing him and hearing his voice reminded me of how much love I had for him. How much I still miss him. Before him, I didn't think I could love a partner as much as I loved him. Everyday, I would reflect on how much love my heart had for him and would really be amazed cos I didn't know my heart had that much love to give. Cheesy, but I would have taken a bullet for him in a heartbeat. I loved his family like they were my own. I wanted the best for him. I talked to him everyday. I don't need these reminders. 

Of course, I'm crying right now. Part of the reason I'm so emotional is because my heart is so conflicted. Before him, I didn't know it was possible for one person to take up all my strength. I didn't know I could hate (ok, maybe really strongly dislike  a human being as much. I didn't know it was possible for a person to hurt me as much as he has. I didn't think it was possible for a person to leave me as traumatized and with so much self loathe like he did.

Racism is dehumanizing. I talk about this ALL the time. This is part of the work I'm devoting my life to. Him questioning and denying my experiences from day 1, not standing up for me, and making me feel like it was invalid was incredibly dehumanizing. Obviously I've faced racism before, but having this be an ongoing issue with someone I loved incredibly is pretty traumatic. I'm so mad that I still don't feel like I got a genuine apology. I'm mad that he'll never know how this hurts. He'll never know how much I cried, and how much support I needed (and still need) from my friends in dealing with how dehumanizing racism is. This is what dehumanizing feels like: It's pain, it's trauma. It's more pain, and more trauma.

The self loathing comes from a deep disappointment in myself. For not practicing what I preach. For questioning myself for 2 years, and still questioning myself now. For being so naive. For invalidating myself and my experiences. For sticking around when I should have left a long time ago. For letting myself feel used. I'm not sure how to heal from that.

Right now, I'm finding healing in my work. Turning my pain into tangible actions like the good fight against racism. Making sure that I name this violence, and that racialized people are informed about what racial violence looks like. I'm writing this here because I don't want to forget. I'm also cooking some white rice right now, which is one of my favorite smells :)

But, I'm questioning the universe. I know every negative experience teaches us something, and I'm still learning from this one. Being with him taught me about love, and forgiveness, being more open, and letting go. I am a much stronger person now.

But why did someone I loved so so incredibly had to leave me pretty damaged? Why did our love have to end so traumatically? Why do I associate him with mostly pain instead of all the love I had for him?  Why did you have to use him to teach me these lesson? Couldn't I have learnt in a nicer way? I doubt that one day I'll look back and smile. I'll probably look back and not care.

Whatever universe, I'm still listening and taking notes. Be kind.

September 14 10:13pm


Thanks for keeping your comments thoughtful and concise :)